Motives

One of the subtleties of exploring and unraveling a relationship between two people—friends, spouses, even business partners—is the problem of the elusive motive. Many years ago I spied a quote from Fr. Morton Kelsey, a preëminent author/theologian of the last century, querying “Has anyone ever seen a motive?,” and I wondered what he meant.
As I trudged my way through years of therapy, 12 steps, and self-help books, and with the loving help of my gifted and long-suffering wife, it began to dawn on me: I came to suspect that almost never had I done anything with a totally pure motive. Even changing my children’s diapers, or giving a present, or treating a patient, or serving on a board, or doing anything nice for anyone—when I thought I was exhibiting agape, my motive was ALWAYS mixed. Maybe it was less than one percent, maybe it was subconscious, but ALWAYS, lurking beneath the surface, was a piece of me wanting you, or him, or her, or them, to like me more, to repay me, or to judge me less harshly. What a relief it was to discover, when I shared this shameful shortcoming, that almost everyone identifies with this. Is this an aspect of original sin? Why are we wired this way? Maybe God gave us this dilemma to help us grow more perfect in love—something to shoot for. A puzzlement…